Transfer Day!

May 2, Day 0: It's transfer day and I can't seem to stop crying. It doesn't help that it doesn't actually happen until 12:30 and I'm freaking the heck out. Like seriously, crying all morning. You get the picture #nomascaratoday. It was like the last year and a half had led up to this day. Like my whole life had led up to this day, a day when our lives could change forever. Not just my life, but Peter's life. And Weston's life, and Nathan's life. Today could affect eternity.
And since everybody asks, we only transferred one embryo. I'm pretty sure twins might send me to the crazy bin.
I woke up and took my pills/shot as usual and ran a few errands while my friend took the kids which was nice to clear my mind. at precisely 11:15, I was to empty my bladder and drink 32 oz of water in 15 minutes so I could have a full bladder for the transfer. I guess it makes it easier to see on the ultrasound or something. So we get to the office at 11:45 and get all checked in. We had to wear these ridiculous gowns and Peter looked like he was straight out of ET. Then we waited. And waited. And waited which seemed like forever because I had to freaking pee! Anyway, the embryologist finally came in and brought me the most beautiful picture of my little embryo. They thawed it at 8:30 that morning, just a few hours prior to me coming in! When they freeze, they shrink and when they thaw, they  expand again which is why it looks like there's an outer circle-that's where it was prior to the thaw. All the little cells around the circle will become (hopefully) the placenta and the little cluster of cells is it. My baby. And my heart stops every time I think about it. She said it was a grade A/A and looks perfect. Maybe it was just the valium that they gave me, but I was really calm once I was holding a picture of my little embryo.

When they finally rolled me back, it took all of 3 minutes, if not less, for it to be done. They showed me a live picture of it and it was already hatching out which means it was ready to implant and was great news! She pulled up my uterus on the ultrasound and we could watch as Dr. Barnett put it in. Just like that, it was done. And of course I was crying because this is a freaking miracle, people! We created a baby with science (and God, I know that ultimately, He is the Great Creator). They wheeled me back, I went to the bathroom (finally!), and went home on modified bedrest for the rest of the day. I was pretty calm all day because I really am confident that it will all work out.

Day 5: I've been calm the last four days, I know it worked. I just know it. And if it didn't, I'm going to be completely devastated, but, that won't happen. Tonight, I started freaking out. Like what if it doesn't work? What if I have to do it again?! What if it does work out, then my life is going to change forever! This is why I am blogging at midnight, because if I don't get it out this way, it will come out in tears. Also, these freaking progesterone injections are killing me. Like my hips hurt so bad, it hurts to walk fast, it hurts to drive, and it hurts to lay down on my right side. My right hip is numb for about 12 inches down my leg which is a bit worrisome, but I think it may have also happened with Weston? Like, I can touch it and not feel a thing. And it hurts all around it. It's awful. and my hips are all bruised up from injections that every new injections is just more and more painful. But this just means that we're one step closer to our baby. I know there's one waiting up there to come to our family, and I'm putting in the work to get him/her here.
So far, I feel a lot of love. I have so much support from my family and closest friends. I get texts all the time asking how I'm doing and I feel like my burden is lightened with each one. And I feel love for the two perfect children that I have here and what a miracle each one of them is. I feel love for my wonderful husband who loves me and takes care of me and goes through these ups and downs with me. I feel love for the unborn baby that will be part of our family one day. Lastly, I feel love from my Savior and Father in Heaven. I know that they are aware of me. I know that they feel my heartache through this and have lifted that burden as I turn to them in my times of sorry. Before Weston, I felt alone, but this time, I've allowed myself to feel love, and for that I am grateful.
Day 9: Testing day. I never test before they blood test. I'm too afraid. What if it is positive but then I test at the doctor and it's not a high enough number or it was only positive because of all the hormones I've been taking? What if it is negative and I cry for the next couple of days but the blood test confirms a positive and all that crying was for nothing? So I wait until the blood test in the morning and the call that afternoon.  When I saw Dr. Barnett's name on my phone, I called Peter in from the other room and put it on speaker. The nurse was so happy sounding and just said, "I have really great news, your're pregnant!" and I couldn't even talk. I didn't know what to expect, but I just started crying. She told us to come in again on Monday to test again and make sure my beta numbers were increasing, but they wanted a number over 50 and mine was 249 which was so hopeful.
I thought it would be different this time for some reason. Like somehow less exciting because I have two wonderful kids, but it's not. The trial was just as hard and the reward just as sweet as it was the very first time. Struggling with infertility after kids is not easier than before kids, just different. I have felt so much of my Savior's love and am grateful for the Atonement because it filled parts of my soul that had felt so empty. I know this is not the last trial I will face, but I know that it has made me stronger and brought me closer to my Heavenly Father.